Cherish Me
by Richi03
Summary: His laugh was the thing she missed the most.  The musical sound that was ever so rare, but the sweetest sound she'd ever heard.  Literati, of course.  Set after Jess leaves Rory the first time for California.  My first Gilmore Girls fic.  R&R.
1. Memories

**_Disclaimer: _**_I do not own Gilmore Girls or any of the characters affiliated with hit. I'm simply a huge fan who loves to write._

_**Author's Note: **I've never written a Gilmore Girls ff and, honestly, I stopped watching the show after Lorelei married Christopher because I was so pissed about it. And I can't stand Logan, so there you have it. Anyways, I loved the earlier seasons when Rory was in high school and when she and Jess were together. I hope you all enjoy this._

* * *

_Memories are the most cherished possessions we have;   
They stay, long after everything else has crumbled within our grasp._

It's funny, the things you remember after someone is no longer there. She remembers the plain red shirt that he always slept in and the way her cheeks would flame red when she'd forget that he tended to sleep late and he'd answer the door wearing only the red shirt and a pair of plaid boxers. Luke gave her the shirt; he said Jess wanted her to have it. Apparently he'd left a note. At first she'd thought bitterly that there had been no note for her, only for Luke. After time went on she was thankful there was no note for her; that there was no explanation as to why he would leave her. She wasn't sure that she wanted to know the truth. Now she slept in his red shirt every night, letting herself believe that his scent still lingered even after all this time.

His laugh was the thing she missed the most. The musical sound that was ever so rare, but the sweetest sound she'd ever heard. Not his polite laugh, or his "I think you're really stupid" laugh, but his real laugh. His gut-wrenching, from the belly, laugh that no matter what always had her laughing along with him. When he laughed like that she could believe that he was happy. She could believe that he would always be content in this small town with her. It was a belief she'd held on to long after he'd left for California. A belief she'd kept buried deep inside her heart for no one else, but her, to know.

She remembered the time he'd come and helped her turned the sprinklers off and how he'd turned them back on for her when she'd asked him. She remembered how she'd pretended not to see the flash of hurt in his chocolate eyes at the mention of Dean's name and the way she'd ignored the flip flops her heart did whenever he was near her. These were the things she tried to hold on to; these were the memories she let herself relive. The other memories, the bad memories, she tried so hard to forget. If she let herself think of the rest she'd only be left curled in a tight ball on the floor, tears streaming down her porcelain skin, a curtain of dark hair covering her face.

But late at night, when the dark enveloped her and every time she closed her eyes she saw his face staring back at her those other memories slipped their way into her head. She fought to keep them away, but it was a losing battle. There were nights she'd sat at home, waiting for him to call, but he never did. Festivals and dances she'd wanted him to attend with her, but he never would because it "wasn't really his thing". Then she'd start to think that maybe it was her fault he'd left. She'd start to wonder if she'd tried to change him into someone he wasn't, someone he could never be, and the guilt and self-pity would flood her body. She would have nightmares about a dark, messy-haired boy with hard eyes filled with hatred telling her that he'd never loved her, never wanted her. He would tell her, in her dreams, that she'd only been something to pass the time with while he'd been stuck in the rinky-dink town of Star's Hollow and she'd wake up with wet cheeks and trembling hands.

Then there would be the mornings at Luke's when, for the first few weeks, she'd had to stop herself from running up the stairs to wake Jess. Each time she walked into the small diner it became a little easier, but her heart broke a little more. Each time Luke stared down at her with pitying eyes and wordlessly set the coffee she craved in front of her, her stomach felt a bit more queasy. She swore that if one more person came up to her and said that they'd always thought he was a good-for-nothing jerk she would scream. Of course she didn't, she'd simply let a small smile linger on her lips before saying that it was her own fault that she'd believed him and that she was just fine, thank you very much.

The only place she could escape to and find some amount of the peace was the bridge. Of course it held the most memories, but when she sat down and let her small feet sink into the pure blue water she could almost believe that he was sitting there next to her reading Hemmingway.

It didn't matter that he was gone, her heart was still his. She just wished that he'd wanted it.


	2. Late Night Calls

After six months of him being gone she started receiving the prank calls. Every week on Mondays and Thursdays at precisely 9:45pm she would get a call. The person on the other end never spoke a word, just breathed lightly into the receiver. At first she'd been frightened and then she'd begun to wonder if it was him. One Monday evening she picked up the phone and when she was met with only breath she tentatively asked, "Jess?" Whoever it was immediately hung up. But barely five minutes later the phone rang again and she knew it was him.

"Jess I know it's you," she said softly, sadness ebbing it's way into her small voice. Her statement was met with only silence, but she continued talking anyway.

"I guess you're not going to talk to me. That's okay. There's some things I want to say to you and maybe it'll be easier for me if I know you won't respond," she took a deep breath and continued on.

"I cried for almost two weeks straight after Luke told me you'd left. I cursed at you and yelled at you, even though you weren't here, when I found out you'd left him a note, but not me. Would it have been so hard to write a few sentences down on a piece of paper, at least letting me know where you went? But, now…oh Jess, now I'm glad you didn't. I don't want to know why you left me. I don't want to know what I did to make you run away from what we had. If everything we shared was just a lie I don't want to know. I want to hold on to my belief that what we had was real and good and could have lasted if you had only stayed. It doesn't matter anymore, does it? You're gone and I'm still here. I just…I guess I just want to tell you one more thing and then I'm going to hang up. After I say it, Jess…please don't call me anymore. It hurts me too much," she whispered the last sentence and she could hear a sharp intake of breath on the other end. The raven-haired girl closed her eyes tightly for a moment, working up the courage to tell him what she knew she had to. If she didn't say it she would always be left wondering what might have been. She just needed him to know. Once. Just once she needed him to know.

"I love you," she said so softly that she was sure he hadn't heard her. She knew she should hang up now, that's why she told him she would do, but her hands would not listen to her. She could feel her whole body trembling and knew that if she did not take a breath soon she would surely pass out. After at least a minute she heard him take a deep breath and then he finally spoke.

"Rory," his beautiful voice, that she had missed so much, was finally entering her ears and she thought she would cry at the happiness she felt in that single moment. It must be wrong that simply hearing him say her name had her melting into a puddle on the floor. Then the joy she'd felt quickly dissipated when she heard a faint click on the other end.

She let herself slide to the floor, her knees curled into her chest as rivers of tears slid down her cheeks. That was how her mom found her, nearly an hour later. Lorelei Gilmore sat on the floor next to her daughter and pulled Rory against her chest letting her daughter's tears soak into her new satin blouse. What scared Lorelei the most was when Rory refused to speak, refused to tell her what had happened and only began crying harder when Lorelei had asked. When the phone rang at 11:30, Rory let out a startled yelp and stared down at the white object in her lap. Her hands shaking, Rory slowly lifted the receiver to her ear, but did not say a word only let her muffled cries reach the ears of the person on the other end of the line. She sat that way with the phone pressed to her ear, her mother's arms wrapped around her, and the faint sound of un-even breathing sounding in the background of the telephone.

"I didn't leave because of you," he finally said, his voice barely a whisper and filled with remorse at what he'd done to the girl crying on the other end. Rory did not answer, simply let her sobs speak for her.

"Dammit, Rory, you deserve better than me. I had nothing going for me in Star's Hollow, except for you and I managed to ruin even that. Don't you get it? You should have left me a million times, but still you stayed and after…after I couldn't even give you the prom and I'd disappointed you for the millionth time I realized that I had to be the one to leave. You shouldn't love me anymore, Rory. I'm not worth it," he said to her, his voice breaking at certain points in his small speech.

"Come home," she whispered in response, as if she had not heard a word of what he'd just told her, only pleaded with him to come back to her. She heard him sigh, and could almost picture him running his fingers through the messy, mop of dark hair as he sometimes did when he was frustrated or just didn't know what to say.

"You were just a dream for me, Rory. A dream that should have stayed buried for you never to know. I should have just left you and Dean alone, but I'm an idiot and thought that maybe I did finally deserve someone good in my life, but I don't. I proved once again that I'm just a screw-up, dead beat. I proved once again that I'm just like my father," his voice held such sorrow that her heart broke a little more for the lost boy on the other line.

"Come home," she said again, her tears thick in her hoarse voice.

"Rory."

"Please come home."

"I-"

"Please," she softly pleaded with him, her voice so small and scared sounding that he wasn't sure how he could stay strong enough to resist her.

"I love you, Rory. Don't forget that I love you," was all he said in response before hanging up the phone.

Rory turned her face back into her mother's chest and sobbed harder than she had before. Lorelei, who now understood what her daughter was crying about, simply stroked her back in soothing circles, whispering that everything would be alright. Wishing, for the first time, that Jess hadn't left.


	3. Regret

_Love is like war:  
Easy to begin, but very hard to stop.  
H.L. Mencken  
_

Tendrils of messy black hair flew around his face in the warm breeze. He stared up at the sky, looking into the vast black sea of nothingness and for a second wished he could see the stars peeking out at him. When he lived…well, here you couldn't see them. It wasn't only the stars he missed, but he couldn't think about the rest. He couldn't think about her. Thinking about her only caused him to feel a deep aching in his chest and the cruel slash of regret.

He sighed, running a single hand through his dark, scattered hair and turned his chocolate gaze onto the couple lying on the beach. They had a single blanket spread out beneath them and with only one glance he could tell that they thought no one else was around. A surge of anger rose inside of him. How dare they be here now? How dare they invade his personal space, the time he needed to just walk around without he hustle and bustle that always seemed to fill this area? Shoving his hands into the pockets of his beaten leather jacket, he angrily stalked in the other direction. He certainly didn't need a reminder of what he was missing out on.

Her face came unbidden and not wanted into his mind's eye and he tried, fruitlessly, to push it away. Wide innocent blue eyes, pale skin, and soft chestnut hair lingered there, refusing to be pushed aside. Why couldn't he just forget about her? Wasn't that what he'd intended to do? He'd thought he'd escape the small town and in doing so, he'd escape his feelings for her, but they stayed with him. He shook his head softly, wishing, not for the first time, that he'd simply left her alone.

He remembered the first time he saw her so clearly. He'd wanted to hate her, but couldn't. When his dark eyes had locked with her bright blue he'd been captured. Her innocence and naivety had astounded him. Even with an absentee father and teenage mom she'd been protected, a bubble wrapped around her that was almost impenetrable. Well, he'd penetrated it, hadn't he? He'd shown her that life wasn't always peaches and cream. He hated himself for it. She was the town princess, protected and loved by all and he was the bad boy, the outcast that no one wanted there except her.

When he called her the first time it was because he simply couldn't resist any longer. For months before that he'd picked up the phone countless times and began dialing her number, but always hung up before the call could go through. Then that night…that night he'd just needed to hear her voice so badly. When it came time for him to say something, his own throat had tightened and he couldn't make a sound. After that he called her religiously twice a week at precisely the same time. He should have known she would know it was him.

Hearing her say those words to him broke his heart in half. He hated himself for hurting her so much and tainting her beautiful innocence. He hated himself for leaving her without even explaining why. Maybe she wouldn't have understand, but maybe…just maybe…it didn't really matter if she understood or not. Maybe all that would have mattered was that he said goodbye. And that's what it all came down to. Goodbye.

To say goodbye would mean that he wasn't coming back. Saying goodbye meant that he was closing the door for any chance of a future with her and he couldn't bring himself to do it. To say goodbye to her would have meant seeing the look on her face, probably a mix of sorrow and hatred, and it would have killed him. He knew that if he had waited to say goodbye, he never would have left.

He supposed, in a way, he never really did leave. All the good parts of himself were still stuck back in Star's Hallow. All the parts that laughed and loved and were happy were back in that town he hated so much with her. He wished he were stronger, the type of person that deserved her. He wished he would have had the strength to face her and Luke and to admit his failings, but he wasn't. He'd never been strong and he wasn't sure if he could if he even tried.

Jess Mariano was weak. After years of neglect from his druggie mother and abuse from her various boyfriends he'd learned to hide behind a mask. He'd learned the hard way that the people you loved never truly loved you back and that it was easier, so much easier, to never show them your true self. After seventeen years of hiding behind a rebel-without-a-cause attitude and his leather jacket, he couldn't find it in himself to finally come out. He wasn't strong enough to accept that someone else might actually love him. He wasn't strong enough to risk her realizing that she deserved so much more than he could ever give her. He wasn't strong enough to have faith in the fact that she wouldn't leave him. So he left her before she could leave him. He hurt her before she could hurt him.

He just hadn't taken in to account that he would be hurting himself more than she ever could.


	4. Only a Dream

He saw her standing outside of Luke's laughing with Lorelei as he pulled his beat up old car to the curb. His hands shook as he opened the car door and slowly stepped out of the vehicle. She was still oblivious to his presence and he used that to his advantage, taking deep breaths to calm his scattered nerves. He didn't think it was possible, but she was even more beautiful than he remembered. Her dark hair seemed to dance on her shoulders as the breeze lifted it gently, her bright blue eyes were full of life as they glittered in the night, and the moon shown down on her pale skin casting an unearthly glow upon her face. Closing his eyes for the briefest of moments, Jess Mariano finally worked up the courage to go to her.

It was Lorelei who saw him first, her eyes turning to ice as she realized who it was walking towards her daughter. Protectively, she placed a hand on Rory's shoulder and turned the younger girl to face him. Surprise flickered in her gorgeous eyes first and then…hate. Her normally almost white cheeks became crimson and she glared at him with an intensity he'd never known she possessed. He'd imagined a lot of different reactions in his mind once he'd decided to finally come back, but this had not been one.

_"I love you."_

_"Please, come home."_

_"Please."_

Had all that been forgotten in one short week? Could love so quickly turn to hatred? Though his head told him to turn around and go back, his heart would not let his feet stop from moving forward. He parted his lips to speak, but no sound would come out and he quickly closed his mouth. He felt like a complete idiot.

"What do you want?"

Her words were even, laced with bitter cold. He'd never known a tone could cut so deeply or hurt so bad. Now he did.

"I came back for you," he whispered, managing to find the voice that had abandoned him only a few seconds before. She laughed, a low cruel laugh so unlike the musical sound he'd once heard come from her cherry lips.

"You shouldn't have wasted your money. Or your time," she said, raising a single brow at him and then pushing him aside to walk across the street.

He was so preoccupied with the pain in his heart and the sight of her back walking away from him that he did not notice the man standing just to the right of his car. Apparently, Rory had. As if through someone else's sight he saw her wrap her arms around a very familiar figure and press her lips to his. He was screaming at his eyes to look away, anything to stop the torture, but they would not listen and he simply stood frozen to the spot. Even the sound of Lorelei speaking behind him would not penetrate his position.

"Jess."

"Jess."

"Jess, time to wake up."

Wake up? What did she mean wake up?

"Jess WAKE UP!"

He blinked his eyes open, looking around at his surroundings and finally at the girl peering down at him with a curious expression on her face.

"Who's Rory?" She asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"What? What the hell are you talking about?" He asked, feigning ignorance. In no mood to talk to a twelve year old girl about his ex-girlfriend.

"Rory. The name you keep saying in your sleep," she replied, the irritation in his voice not affecting her in the slightest.

"No one. Go away," he snapped, pulling a pair of jeans on over his boxers. He looked back over at his step-sister and glared at her. She simply smiled back at him, scratching the back of her head in a thoughtful manner.

"Well she must be someone. It's not the first time I've heard you talking about her in your sleep, Jess," she said in a matter of fact tone. Jess sighed, beginning to feel his irritation rise to anger.

"Just a girl. Just a stupid girl that won't leave me the fuck alone. Kinda like you. Now. Get. Out," he yelled, pointing at the door.

"Jeez, fine. Ya' know, Jess, you really should work on your people skills," the young girl said, her mood not being affected in the slightest by his outburst. When she finally flounced out of his room, closing the door behind her, Jess let himself sink back onto his bed. It had been a dream, only a dream. He wasn't in Star's Hallow; he'd never gone back there.

Absently he pulled something from the top drawer of his night stand. He fingered the smooth paper, staring down at the bold black lettering. It was dated for tomorrow and he was terrified. Although, Jess Mariano was usually terrified, but this was a different terror. This was fear of the unknown. He'd always run. He was a runner and he was good at it. Never look back, that was his motto. Somehow, this time, he'd forgotten that. He'd looked back and now there was no escaping.

Staring down at the one-way plane ticket in his hand Jess took a deep breath. For the first time in his life he was facing his fear. For the first time in his life, he was refusing to be weak.

* * *

**_Author's Note: _**_Alright, I know the chapters have been fairly short so far, but don't worry they will be longer after this chapter. These first four chapters were more of the first chapter split into four parts. I would also like to apologize if Jess's step-sister (if she is, I just remember the chick his dad was living with had a daughter. I don't remember if he dad was married to her or not, but for this story he is and the girl is Jess's step-sister), if she's out of character. I have to admit that it's been a very long time since I saw this particular season of Gilmore Girls, so if anyone is out of character or there are things not right I'm sorry. My memory seriously sucks._

_Thank you to all of you that are reading this story and enjoying this. My favorite part about this site is being able to look at the stats and see how many people really are reading the story. _

_I'd like to give a special things to the following people for their lovely reviews: _

_LVRofTristan, XoXoLiteratiLoveroXoX, Good2Know, Curley-Q, Terra7, LadySeminole29, allycat1186, dramaqueen88, and McLoving Grey's._

_-Rachael  
_


	5. On My Way

"Mom, I don't wanna go. Can't we just stay home and have a movie night?" Rory whined, managing to form her face into a pout.

"Okay, you're no fun anymore. I'm the one who's supposed to whine about going over there!" Lorelai said indignantly, throwing her arms up in the air in exasperation.

"But mo-om, ever since I decided to take the year off Grandma has been pulling the Joan Crawford act on me," Rory continued to pout.

"Really, Rory, I don't think it's been that bad. Where on earth did you get this Drama Queen tendency? It certainly wasn't from me," Lorelai retorted, grabbing the keys off the kitchen counter.

"Right. You are the Queen of the Drama Queens mom," Rory rolled her eyes at her mother.

"Come on, you can continue whining in the car. Queen Emily hates it when we're late," Lorelai ignored Rory's evil stare and walked out the door.

"I'm coming, but I don't have to like it!" Rory yelled, following her mother out the door. For the entire half hour drive to Richard and Emily Gilmore's Rory continued to complain about the way her grandparents were treating her and how much she didn't want to go over there.

"Alright, put on your happy face 'cause we gotta go in now," Lorelai demanded, turning to Rory with the cheesiest grin on her beautiful face. Rory stretched her mouth into something that looked like a cross between a smile and a war face sending Lorelai into fits of giggles. Pretty soon Rory was laughing along with her and the two made their way to the front door.

A young girl who looked no older than twenty answered the door, a nervous smile on her pretty face. Rory and Lorelai handed her their coats; Lorelai giving her an assuring smile.

"Wanna bet she's gone by next week?"

"Don't be mean, mom."

"What? Just a sec-"

"Ah, Rory, Lorelai, how lovely to see you," Emily Gilmore said stiffly, walking into the foyer.

"Hi, Grandma," Rory replied, trying her best to sound cheerful.

"Yo mom, how's it hangin'?" Lorelai said, slouching down and throwing her arms out in her attempt to look like a gangster.

"Really, Lorelai, when are you going to grow up?" Emily asked, a great sigh escaping her perfectly painted lips.

"Never. I want to be a little boy forever and ever and always play," Lorelai retorted.

Emily just glared at her only daughter and turned her back to the two girls. Rory and Lorelai followed Emily into the sitting room where the three of them would wait for Richard.

"So, Rory, how are you getting on at your job?" Emily asked, a pained smile on her face as she sipped her sherry.

"Good, thanks. I love working at the bookstore. It's not exactly a hoppin' place so I get to catch up on my reading, plus a great discount," Rory replied, ignoring the bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Yes well, I suppose working in a book store is so much better than going to college. You know, with all that pesky learning they do there," Emily said sharply, glaring at Lorelai in an accusatory manner.

"I'm going to college Grandma, just not until this coming year. I needed to save up some money first," Rory's eyes flashed with anger.

"I've told you a hundred times, you're grandfather and I would have paid for it," Emily spat out, exasperated.

Suddenly all the years of them being rude to her mother and now trying to control her life had Rory jumping to her feet, white hot rage boiling up inside of her. She glared at her grandmother in such a way that had Emily flinching back involuntarily.

"You know what? I'm done! I'm done coming to these stupid dinners! I'm done listening to your stupid voice constantly making me feel like such a failure! I'm done with you being such a BITCH!" Rory screamed, her hands shaking.

"I told you that boy would have this affect on her Lorelai! I told you he was bad news for her, didn't I? But, no, you wouldn't listen to me. You let her date him anyways. This is all your-"

"Don't you dare blame her. Don't you dare! This is not Jess's fault. Jess has nothing to do with the way I am acting. YOU DO! I'm leaving," Rory spun on her heel, angrily stalking out of the pristine home of her grandparents.

"Well, tata then mother. It's been a pleasure visiting," Lorelai grinned, following her daughter out of the house.

* * *

"Are you coming back?" Jimmy asked, scratching the back of his head thoughtfully. Jess could see in the older man's face that this was hard for him. 

"Don't know. Probably not," Jess replied shortly. Sure, he and Jimmy were getting along, but the guy left him. There were some things that Jess couldn't forgive and that was one of them.

"Oh, alright then. Well, I hope your flight is alright," Jimmy stammered out.

"Yeah, thanks. Uh, thanks for letting me stay here and everything," Jess said awkwardly. He really wasn't good at the whole goodbye thing.

"Hey, it was the least I could do. I guess you better get going if you're going to catch your plane."

"Yeah. Tell the kid I said bye. You know I'm not…I'm not so good with that. Tell her I'll give her a call sometime, alright?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Bye Jimmy," Jess stuck his hand out, awkwardly shaking Jimmy's hand. Before he realized what was happening Jimmy had pulled him in and was hugging him.

"Bye Jess. I really am…well you know," Jimmy said softly, hastily stepping back from embracing his son.

"Yeah," was all Jess said before turning away and getting into the cab that was waiting on the side of the road.

As the taxi neared the airport Jess could feel his hands going clammy. It had been two weeks since he'd spoken to Rory over the phone and he was terrified that she'd somehow changed her mind and didn't want him back anymore. He smacked himself in the forehead, wishing he'd called her first, asked her if this was okay. Oh well, he thought, there's no turning back now.

"Alright kid, we're here," the cabbie said into the backseat. Jess quickly paid the guy and, swinging his single duffle bag over his shoulder, he stepped out of the car. His worn sneakers slapped against the pavement as he made his way to the entrance and thoughts raced through his head in a whirlwind. Twice, on his way to the terminal, he considered just turning around and forgetting the whole thing, but every time her face popped into his mind's eye and he continued forth.

He knew that there was a chance that she wouldn't want him anymore. He knew there was a chance that she'd let anger swarm over her, but he'd have to take that chance. He needed to take that chance. He was terrified that if he didn't take that chance he'd end up one of those guys who was stuck in the past, reminiscing about the good ole days when "the one that got away" was theirs.

* * *

Lorelai Gilmore thought that she was going to die she was laughing so hard. Rory kept sending her angry glares, but the older Gilmore girl could not contain herself. Seeing her only child, her well-mannered, soft-spoken child, yelling at her grandmother was the funniest thing she'd seen in a long time. 

"This isn't funny mom!" Rory finally yelled, when ten minutes later, Lorelai's laughs still wouldn't subside.

"Oh no, sweets, it really is. I knew that some of my rebel side had transferred to you. I've just been waiting for it to show up," Lorelai managed to say between giggles.

"I called grandma a…a…oh my God I can't even say it! What on earth possessed me to call her that?" Rory asked, her complexion turning a ghastly shade of white.

"Yeah, that…well that might have been crossing the line a little bit. But Rory, my darling daughter, you were right to finally stand up to her. She has done nothing, but dig into you about taking the year off from school. I mean, yeah, so I wasn't too pleased about you waiting to go to college either, but that's your decision not ours. Your grandmother just doesn't know when to call it quits, kid," Lorelai said, finally turning serious.

"Yeah I know, it's just…ugh I'm hungry," Rory cut herself off mid-sentence as her stomach gave a low grumble. Almost immediately afterwards, Lorelai's stomach gave a rumble in return.

"Luke's?" Lorelai asked, hopefully.

"Luke's," Rory confirmed, turning left into town instead of going straight.

* * *

_Rory, _

_I'm writing you this letter because I'm afraid-_

_Rory,_

_I love you. That why I-_

_Rory,_

_Do you realize how much better you deserve? I'm not the knight in shining armor type and you deser-_

_Rory,_

_I'm not sure how to say this to you, so I figured I'd write it down instead of telling you right out. I know as soon as I try to speak it all to you I'll just get everything all messed up. That's what I'm good at right? Being the screw up. The run away. When the tough times roll, the Jess gets going. I've never known any other way. Before I met you, that was my life. _

_I know I always kept a part of myself closed off from you, well, most of myself actually. Sure, I shared what books I read with you and we listened to music together, but what happened when we started to actually have a deep conversation? Suddenly I had to go to work or I was tired or there was that thing, you know that thing that I had to do. I can never express to you how sorry I am for that, but the mask I wear has been in place for so many years that even when I wanted to take it off for you I couldn't. There are things I want to share with you that I know as soon as the words start to come out I'll run again, so writing all this down is the only way I know how to show you who I am._

_When I was a baby my dad went out to get diapers and never came back. That's what they tell me anyways and what else can I do, but believe it? They were young when I was born and apparently he just didn't want to deal with it. So I grew up with Liz, who I know loved me in her own way, but it was never good enough. She said the words, but the act was never really there._

_My childhood was filled with moving from place to place, too many "new daddy's" to count, most of which thought it would be fun to use my mom as a punching bag and when they got tired of that they moved on to me. A few even took off with most of our belongings. What can I say, Rory, other than the fact that I learned early on not to trust anyone. As soon as you trust someone you give them the power to hurt you. You trust someone and let them in and you can get disappointed, or even worse, you can disappoint them. From the beginning I disappointed you constantly. I know you never really showed it, only now and then, but I could see in your eyes when I disappointed you. You're the first person that I let get close to me. I didn't let you completely in, but I let you in enough that it terrified me. How long would it take before you realized that I was just the scum on the bottom of your shoe? How long before you started to see what everyone else saw: a screwed up kid that knew only how to fight and cause trouble. _

_I told myself that by leaving you I was giving you a chance. I was giving both you and Luke the chance to forget about me and move on with your lives. I never deserved you, Rory and I know that. I told you over the phone that you were a dream that I should have kept hidden. I still believe that, but…I can't let go. Maybe I'm too selfish. Maybe I'm putting my own needs before yours, but I just can't stay away from you anymore. I need you, Rory. I need you to be there for me and push me to be a better person. I need you to show me that not everyone is out to get me and that there can be good people in the world. I never knew that before I met you. _

_And…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I left without saying goodbye or giving you a reason. I'm sorry for what happened at Kyle's party and I'm sorry that I made you feel pressured. I thought…I thought that if I did that and then got mad at you, you would break up with me. It was the coward's way out, but you didn't comply with my plan. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I knew you wouldn't. I'm sorry for that, so sorry. Finally, I'm sorry for coming back now. I know I should just stay away and let you get on with your life, no matter if you say you want me to come back or not. _

_I'm asking you for another chance. I'm asking for you to let me try to make it up to you. I can't promise that I won't mess up or that all my walls will suddenly be torn down. What I can promise is that I'll try. I can promise that I'll never leave without saying goodbye. _

_I love you._

_Jess _

Jess folded the letter and shoved it into his jacket pocket, ignoring the woman seated next to him staring at him with curious eyes. Apparently the fates were against him, though, because she in a soft voice she spoke.

"I know it's none of my business, but are you okay?" Jess turned and looked at her. Her sea-green eyes were filled with genuine concern for a complete stranger. Would people never stop surprising him?

"Fine," he muttered, trying to discourage any conversation with this woman.

"I know you don't know me or anything, but sometimes that's the best thing. We have at least another two hours left on our flight, why not fill it with some words?" There was something in her voice that was familiar to Jess. The way she spoke with such quiet concern, at the same time subtly pushing him to talk to her, it was a tone that Rory had used so often. Jess sighed accepting that this woman would never leave him alone until he at least said something.

"I'm going back to somewhere, willingly, that I hated," he said gruffly.

"Why?" She asked, raising an eyebrow at him in question. She swept her long blond bangs out of her eyes and cocked her head to the side.

"My ex-girlfriend lives there," he said softly, thinking of Rory and what might happen when he finally made it to Star's Hollow.

"Ah, so there's a girl involved," she smiled at him, a twinkle in her eyes. Jess just rolled his eyes.

"I took off on her to go to California to see my dad, among other reasons I guess. Kinda left without saying a word," he told the woman, doing his best to sound uncaring about the situation.

"How long has it been since you left?" She didn't seem fazed about the cruelty he'd shown his ex-girlfriend, just curious.

"Round about seven months," he mumbled.

"That's a long time to be away," she said, the implication of her words not lost on Jess.

"Yeah," he said shortly, getting tired of talking to a stranger about Rory.

"How do you know she'll still want you back?"

"I don't. Look lady I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but back off. I'm not really in the mood for conversation so could you just leave me the hell alone?" He finally spat out, not appreciating the way she was reminding him of what an ass he'd been.

"I didn't mean to touch a nerve or anything. I'm sorry if I offended you," her tone tinged with hurt.

"Well, you did, so just mind your own business," he muttered angrily at her, turning away to stare out the window into endless blue. The rest of the plane ride was filled with awkward silence and Jess couldn't have been more thankful when the pilot announced that they had reached their destination.

Jess jumped from his seat, quickly pulling his duffle from the overhead compartment.

"I hope you find what you're looking for," the blond woman said softly, staring up at him with sad eyes.

"Yeah, you too," Jess said, surprised that his words weren't filled with hostility. He tore his eyes away from hers and quickly exited the plane. He walked slowly to the exit, fear filling him. He stuffed his hand into his right jacket pocket and softly fingered the edge of the now slightly crumpled letter. Thoughts of Rory racing through his mind. Just as he made it to the bus stop, the large blue and white bus pulled up to the curb.

Time to face the fire, he thought as he boarded the bus to Star's Hollow.

* * *

_**Author's Note: **I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Please review and let me know how you think it's going so far, whether your thinking good or bad thoughts._

_Thanks to all of you that have reviewed thus far._

_-Rachael_


	6. Total Eclipse of the Heart

**_Author's Note:_** _Hey guys, sorry it's taken my so long to update. I was having trouble figuring out how this chapter should go, so I decided to just let it rest for awhile. This morning inspiration hit and I wrote this out. Hope ya'll like it and leave me some comments to let me know what ya think. Thanks for being so patient._

* * *

_Once upon a time I was falling in love  
Now I'm only falling apart  
Nothing I can say, total eclipse of the heart  
_

_-Total Eclipse of the Heart//Meatloaf and Bonnie Raitt_

Jess took a deep breath as the bus pulled to the side of the road in Star's Hollow. It was dark out, only the faint glow of street lamps illuminating the outside world. He slowly swung his duffel over his shoulder and made his way down the aisle. His knees felt like jelly as he took the steps down to the sidewalk and he felt himself freeze in place when his feet hit the pavement. A voice inside was screaming at him to turn around and get back on the bus, but before he could follow through the bus had already pulled away. He tried to calm down by reminding himself he didn't actually have to face her until tomorrow. It was nine o'clock on a Friday night and she would be at her grandparents house for their weekly dinner.

He slowly walked down the sidewalk, making his was towards Luke's. His uncle was someone else he needed to face. Just one more person on the list that he needed to apologize to. He would never admit it, but he was scared to death. Other than Rory, Luke was the one person who he'd never wanted to disappoint, but he had. This was the reason he'd never let himself care for anyone. This was the reason he'd kept a wall around his heart that no one had been able to penetrate before he'd set foot in this tiny town. You cared for people and ultimately you let them down. You didn't have to do it on purpose, it always happened.

Within just a few minutes he found himself standing outside of Luke's Diner staring at the door. He knew there wouldn't be that many people there, nine o'clock in Star's Hollow was like two in the morning anywhere else. Running a hand through his messy black hair he finally found the courage to open the door. The jingle of the bells let other patrons know of his presence and before he knew what had happened there were six faces pointed in his direction, one of which was Rory.

He stood, rooted to the spot, staring into the piercing blue eyes of his ex-girlfriend. Her already pale face was sheet white and he could see her hands begin to tremble as she realized this wasn't just her imagination. He knew he should say something, but no words would escape his lips. Finally, he stuck his hand in the pocket of his black leather jacket and pulled out the tattered notebook paper. He walked quickly over to her and set the folded note down in front of her. Then in complete Jess-like behavior he turned around and walked out of Luke's. He could hear the Luke yelling after him and Lorelai calling out that she was going to break his stupid legs as soon as she got her hands on him, but he didn't stop. He couldn't.

He didn't know where he was going, but he didn't care as long as it was anywhere except there.

* * *

"Rory? Rory, sweetie?" A concerned Lorelai asked her daughter, gently shaking her frail shoulder. 

Rory did not say a word, simply kept staring at the spot where Jess had just stood. Still ignoring her mother's frantic questioning, Rory picked up the scrap of paper Jess had practically thrown down in front of her in his haste to retreat. She felt her eyes glaze over with tears at the sight of his unmistakable scrawl. She registered, barely, that her mother had finally grown silent; simply watching as her daughter read the lines that Jess had written. Her tears began to fall, causing ink to smudge on the crumpled paper. She felt her heart ache for the little boy that had grown up in neglect and abuse. She felt her heart ache for the young man who was so terrified of anything good happening in his life that he'd thought running away was the only solution.

With tears still streaming down her face, Rory stood from her stool. She mumbled a quick good-bye to her mother and Luke who still just stared at her with concerned eyes. Neither of them could find it in themselves to ask her where she was going as she ran from the diner as if her life depended on it.

Rory's simple black heels clicked loudly on the pavement as she ran down the deserted streets of Star's Hollow. Her heart was pounding against her chest, bursting to break free. She knew where she was going and she knew he would be there. It was there only safe haven. It had been the only place they could go to escape the prying eyes of Star's Hollow.

* * *

Jess sat on the bridge, his feet dangling only centimeters above the clear surface of the frozen river. He barely registered the wet seeping through his jeans from the snow he sat upon. He stared down at his hands, terrified of what Rory would think of his letter. He couldn't bare to face her now and that small voice in his head kept repeating over and over that he should just leave again. Leaving was easy. Leaving was the only solution he knew. 

He sighed, letting the image of her float into his mind. First time he'd seen her in seven months and she looked beautiful. Her dark hair had fallen in rolling curls on her shoulders and her eyes, God her eyes, were even more beautiful than the remembered. The picture he had didn't do them justice and looking into those eyes had stabbed at him in away that he hadn't thought possible. He hated the way there was no longer a light in them. Had he taken that light away? Had he been the one to steal the burning flame that had resided inside bright blue eyes?

He didn't think he'd ever hated himself as much as he did in this moment.

* * *

She slowed to a walk when she spotted him sitting on the bridge. Their bridge. There was a sadness radiating off of him and the ache in her heart grew a little more. She barely noticed the winter cold on her bare legs and arms as she stood watching him. He lifted his face and in the dim light of the moon she could see a single tear glistening on his face. All intentions of going to him vanished at the sight. It hurt her to know that he would hate for her to see him like this, at his most vulnerable, but she stayed back knowing it would do more damage than good for her to go to him now. She stood there, watching him, memories of better times at the bridge floating in her mind. _  
_


	7. Don't You Dare

_I could say that I don't care  
But the truth is I'd follow you anywhere  
I've been waiting such a long, long time  
Don't you dare change your mind_

_Don't wander 'round looking for someone to replace me  
Don't wander 'round wasting the rest of your life  
Don't wander 'round waiting from someone else to save you  
And don't you dare make the same mistake twice_

_Don't You Dare//Alexz Johnson_

* * *

He knew she was there as soon as she came within sight of the bridge. He didn't have to turn around to know that she would be standing there, clasping her hands in front of her, staring at him with those large blue eyes. He left her to stand there for a few minutes, left her to wonder whether or not she should finally come forward. After a few minutes he called out to her. 

"Rory, I know you're there," he said it so softly that she almost didn't hear him.

He could hear her tentatively stepping forward, the snow crunching softly beneath her shoes. He still refused to look at her, instead became fascinated with his hands that lay in his lap.

"You'll catch a cold, sitting out here like this," she whispered, almost afraid to talk louder than that.

"Did you read it?" He asked her, ignoring her statement.

"Yes."

Jess just nodded, staring out into the night.

"You can trust me, Jess," she said, kneeling down beside him, ignoring the cold of the snow on her legs.

"I know, Rory. Maybe that's what has me so scared," he sighed, a sadness in his voice that she couldn't understand.

"I know what you're thinking about, Jess. Please don't," she pleaded with him.

"Maybe it would be for the best."

"It wouldn't."

"Rory, I'm not the misunderstood hero in one of your books that suddenly has an epiphany and turns into this stable guy. I am what I am and I'm not sure I can change that. And you deserve stable, Ror," his tone was defeated, as if he had accepted his place in life a long time ago and now only had to convince her.

"What if I don't want stable? What if I only want you?" She said in a small, childish voice filled with unshed tears.

He finally turned to look at her, stormy brown drowning within innocent blue. His shoulders slumped forward as he reached out and brushed a strand of coffee-colored hair out of her eyes. He wanted, so badly, to reach out and take her small hand in his, but instead his hand dropped down back into his lap.

The silence that followed was deafening.

* * *

"Luke?" 

"Huh?"

"Do you think we should go look for them?" Lorelai rung her hands together, a look of pure worry on her beautiful face. Luke sighed, reaching out and squeezing her shoulder gently.

"I don't know. This might be one of those things only they can work out," he said it gently, knowing Lorelai wanted only to wrap Rory tight in her arms and let no one come near enough to hurt her baby girl.

"I know he's your nephew, Luke, but I've never been in the Jess fan club. I can't help, but hate him for what he's done to my daughter."

"I know Lorelai. But, maybe, there are things about him you don't know. The kid hasn't exactly had an easy life and I think he's more messed up than either of us thought," Luke said as he filled Lorelai's coffee without even a grumble.

"I don't want her hurt again," Lorelai whispered.

"I don't want either of them hurt again, Lorelai," Luke sighed, for the first time feeling his age.

Lorelai stared out the window of the diner wondering if Rory was okay.

* * *

_**Author's Note: **I know it's short, but I won't be able to update until next week and I wanted to give ya'll a little something before that. Most likely I'll only be able to update on the weekends, since I'm so busy with work and school during the week. Reviews are love!_

_-Rachael_


	8. My Immortal

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave  
Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just to real  
There's just too much that time can not erase_

_My Immortal//Evanescence  
_

* * *

The moonlight shone down upon the two teenagers as they sat in silence next to each other. Tiny snowflakes began to fall, sticking to pale skin and dark hair, melting upon broken hearts. Rory could feel her depression slowly turning to anger, black depths of despair turning white hot with rage. Unable to take the deafening silence any longer, her hand shot out and slapped Jess across the face as hard as she could. 

Black eyes stared at her in shock as her whole body began to shake with fury. She could see in the dim light the bright red hand-print glowing on his cheek and it filled her with satisfaction.

"You deserved that," she spat out, refusing to be apologetic for her actions. The boy next to her just nodded slowly.

"You hurt me."

"I know," he whispered.

"And you're hurting me again. Even more," her tone was bitter, laced with an anger that he never imagined she could possess.

"I know," he repeated, unsure of what else he could say.

She stood, brushing off her skirt, unaware that her legs had long ago gone numb from the cold. She stared down at him with disdainful blue eyes, slightest tinge of hurt shining through.

"That's all you have to say? That's all you have to say to me? _I know._ I never thought I'd say it, Jess, but my mother was right. You are worthless," her words dripped with the ice that was slowly forming around her heart.

"I don't know what else you want me to say, Rory," he said simply, not bothering to defend himself.

"How about that you're not going to do this to me? How about that you're actually going to _try_! Dammit Jess! I don't deserve this. I do NOT deserve this. You know I don't," her anger slowly turned to sadness as tears began to form in her eyes.

Jess stared at her for a moment, taking in the broken girl before him. He slowly got to his feet, taking a tentative step forward. He reached out, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. Neither spoke as he closed the distance between them and crashed his lips to hers. She began to step back, prepared to let him have it again, but he just pulled her back into him and she couldn't find it within her to resist him anymore.

They finally broke apart, lacing their fingers together.

"I want it to be you," she whispered.

"I don't want you to do something you're going to regret, Rory."

"No regrets. I know a place," she said softly, leading him away from the bridge.

* * *

The small potting shed where she had spent the first eleven years of her life stood a small distance away from the Independence Inn. It surprised her that it was almost exactly as they had left it. It was slightly weathered and the inside was in a small disarray, but cozy. She felt none of the nervousness that she thought she would, only a slight fear of the pain she knew would come. 

"You don't have to do this," Jess repeated for the third time since she'd began leading him here.

Her answer was to press her lips against his. Trembling fingers slowly lifted his shirt, revealing hard lines and tanned skin. She brushed her finger tips across his chest and he let out an involuntary shudder. She stared up at him with curious eyes, a feeling of wonderment filling her with the knowledge of what her touch could do to him.

Jess leaned down began placing light butterfly kisses upon her neck, whilst lowering them both to the floor.

The stars shone through the small windows, casting a glow upon the boy and girl as innocence was lost.

In the morning she woke alone, as part of her knew she would.


	9. Pink

_**Disclaimer:**I do not own Gilmore Girls._

_**Author's Note: **Very short, I know, but I haven't put anything up in a long time and I figured this is better than nothing. I know where I want this to go, but I'm a little stuck about getting there. Please be patient with me, I promise this is a story that I won't be forgetting about, no matter how long it takes me to update the damn thing. _

_Review :) _

* * *

He keeps her picture in his back pocket, taking it out at least three times through out the day just to stare into her blue eyes once more. Sometimes he imagines conversations with her in his head and he wonders if he is going crazy. He buys a typewriter and starts writing out each conversation he imagines, adding some that were actually spoken. 

He went to New York for a few weeks, but he couldn't seem to find his place there as he once had. He can't get back into his old skin of endless parties and faceless females. Every girl he turns to stares back with too bright blue eyes and soft chestnut hair. Every where he turned he was reminded of her. Every record store he walked into was a reminder of the day she came to see him. Every hot dog stand has a flicker of a girl he used to know and a boy he used to know buying hot dogs on a cool summer day. He thinks of a cast that was his fault and a withering stare that he'd begged to see, but now wishes he never had.

He starts to think he'll go back to California for a little while. Maybe he'll find an apartment there or maybe Jimmy will let him move back in. Then he's reminded of lonely nights spent wandering the beach. He thinks of the too nosy step-sister that didn't seem to understand the term "kept at arm's length". He doesn't want to be near anyone who really knows him.

He's not sure how he ended up in Philadelphia, but he's glad he did. Matt and Chris were okay for roommates and Truncheon Books was his salvation. He was finally doing something with his life, even if it was only this small thing. He thinks that maybe one of these days he will have his life together enough for her, but not yet. He still isn't good enough for her yet.

Maybe if he finally finishes the book he's writing. Maybe.

* * *

She sits on the cold linoleum floor of the bathroom, her hands clasped together tightly, tears streaming down her face, wondering how she could have let this happen. How had she let herself get to this place? How had she let herself turn into her mother? A color, a color she'd never really had a complete opinion about before was changing her life. 

Pink.

The strip was pink and her life would never be the same.

She wonders then if this is how her mother felt. She wonders if her mother felt this same twist of fear, failure and even a tinge of joy deep in her belly.

How could she possibly tell her mother?

Rory felt her dreams crashing down around her, echoing within the silence, deafening her.

* * *


	10. Perfect

_'Cause we lost it all  
Nothin' lasts forever  
I'm sorry I can't be perfect  
Now it's just too late  
And we can't go back  
I'm sorry I can't be perfect_

_-Perfect//Simple Plan_

* * *

It's been a month since the strip turned pink. It's been a month of tears falling on her pillow late at night after she's sure her mom has fallen asleep. A month of carrying this secret around with her, keeping it hidden from her mother, her best friend. The weather is begging to turn warm and yet she's wearing over large sweatshirts to hide the expanding stomach she's sure someone would notice. She's finally gotten the courage up to tell her mom the secret that's been gnawing away at her insides and her hands are shaking she's so scared.

"What is it, baby, you can tell me," Lorelai encourages and for a moment Rory just stares into her mother's eyes, eyes that mirror her own. She closes her eyes for a second and with her eyes closed she whispers the words she knows will break her mother's heart.

"I'm pregnant."

* * *

I'ts been four months since he left Rory. Three months since he's been at Truncheon, since he's started to try to bring his writing together into what could be considered a novel. He takes his life one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, considering it a victory if he can go five minutes without her face drifting into his mind. He's doing everything he can to keep his head above water, but he knows that without her he'll always be drowning.

He spends his nights at home with an old typewriter and a bottle of Jack Daniels. The burning amber liquid is the only thing that dulls the pain enough to write about a girl with dark hair and sad blue eyes. His mind wanders often to that last night he had with her. He didn't sleep that night for even a second, knowing that when the sun began to shine through the windows he'd have to leave her. He remembers how she'd curled into his side, fitting perfectly against his body, her hair splayed out beneath her head and her face so peaceful in slumber. He'd pressed a kiss softly upon her forehead and whispered that he loved her before gently removing his arm from beneath her and making his escape.

Sometimes he wonders what it was like for her to wake up alone. He wonders if she's angry with him or if she somehow understood. He thinks that maybe it would be better for her if she was angry. He thinks that maybe if she's angry she'll learn to stop loving him and he knows that her life would be so much better without any traces of him left in it.

But the selfish side of him, hopes beyond words that she understands. The selfish part of him prays that she'll wait for him and that she knows someday he'll come back to her. He hopes that she understands he loves her, and because he loves her he needs to be better for her. He needs to be worthy of her. He needs to learn how to be a man instead of a scared little boy.

Then he can come back to her.

Then he'll be good enough for her.

* * *

The look on her mother's face is all she can think about as she shoves clothes into an old duffel bag. The way her mother's blue eyes, always so filled with laughter, suddenly turned to ice and the concern on her face was quickly drowned out by anger. Even Rory's tears had had no affect on Lorelai. She'd turned into a disappointment. She was supposed to be the "good one". She was supposed to be the one that would erase Lorelai's mistakes, instead she had repeated them. Rory knew this was the only way. She couldn't bear to live with the disappointment she had caused. This was the only thing left for her to do. For the first time she can truly understand why Jess left.

She walked to the bus station and quietly boarded the bus. She didn't know where she was going, but as she sat on the seat at the back of the bus a breath she hadn't known she was holding slowly exhaled.

A part of her that she'd always kept locked up deep down inside was suddenly unlocked. As she watched Star's Hollow disappear behind her, she finally felt free.

* * *

_**Author's Note: **Hey guys! Sorry it's been soooooo long for the update! And I know it's a pretty short one, but I'd really like to get back into this story and I'm feelin' the creative juices beginning to flow. I tell you...I had writer's block for the longest freakin' time, but hopefully it's done now! I'm really excited to keep writing this story and to get your feedback on it! Reviews are greatly appreciated and I hope to get another chapter posted by Saturday. My goal is to have one new chapter posted once a week. Enjoy!_


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